


75 TROPES FOR THE PRICE OF 1 - SPIDEYTORCH EDITION

by Mizzy



Series: Spideytorch [10]
Category: Fantastic Four (Comicverse), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Spideytorch Week 2016, Spideytorch Week Day 7 Free Day, Too many tropes to list, Tropes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-21
Updated: 2016-02-21
Packaged: 2018-05-22 12:18:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6079023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mizzy/pseuds/Mizzy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(see title)</p>
            </blockquote>





	75 TROPES FOR THE PRICE OF 1 - SPIDEYTORCH EDITION

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote a short red string of fate fic for Trope week, but it nearly drove me to distraction - I started this as a back-up in case I couldn't get that one finished in time. And now I figured, why not finish this one and post it on the Spideytorch free day?
> 
> So for this:  
> I looked at [Trope Bingo](http://trope-bingo.dreamwidth.org/144194.html) for inspiration, copied and pasted the list of the main seventy-five tropes, stared at them for a few hours, and desperately wanted to write all of them. So then I started trying to fill them as drabbles and ficlets. And then my lovely brain went: why write each trope individually when you can have seventy-five linked together into one overarching semi-story?
> 
> Um.
> 
> Yeah! :D
> 
> #

__ ** 1\. against all odds **

No. Oh, no.  _ No _ . Johnny screams, but he's too far away, and it's all he can do to watch. And although he wants to look away, he forces himself to keep staring, even as he blazes closer, because Spider-Man deserves that. If Spider-Man is sacrificing himself to save someone, he deserves witness to his heroic deed, so Johnny wills his powers onwards and wills the tears away, because maybe he can still get there in time,  _ maybe _ \--

Maybe is never a yes, not for one of New York's superheroes. Mysterio's cackle fills the sky, and something bright follows, blinding, crackling, and-- the whole building just falls. Right on top of Spider-Man.

No, _ no.  _

The next few hours are a blur. Johnny helps take Mysterio down, but then is forced to wait and watch while Ben pulls the building apart as carefully as possible. Everyone's faces are clear as day. Spider-Man's got superstrength, but even heroes with extra strength had little chance against a sixty floor building crashing down on their head.

When he sees a flash of red and blue, Johnny moves instantly, even though Ben had told him to stay back.

"Is he...?" Johnny breathes.

Ben shrugs, yanking a chunk of stone flooring away from Spider-Man, and he looks so  _ still  _ that Johnny makes a sound of distress that quickly pitches upwards into a yelp of relief when Spider-Man coughs and sits up, somehow perfectly okay.

His relief shifts, though, changing into confusion, when Spider-Man launches to his feet, and then throws himself at Johnny, before instantly trying to stick his hands down Johnny's pants.

"Um," Johnny says, and tries to bat Spider-Man's hands away. He looks over to a pole-axed looking Ben. "I think something's wrong with him. A little help here?"

"I'll go find Reed and Sue," Ben says, instead of peeling Spider-Man away from him like Johnny had wanted him to.

 

** 2\. altered states (of the mind) **

"You are  _ ridiculously  _ attractive," Spider-Man says, prodding Johnny in the chest, before visibly looking him up and down several times in a row. " _ Ridiculously _ attractive."

"Barring the point where I admit I've always thought so," Johnny says, "who the hell are you?" Because it's clearly not Spider-Man. Spidey would rather go a hundred rounds with the Goblin than say nice things about Johnny. It was a fact that was both true and very sad.

"I'm  _ Spider-Man, _ " not!Spider-Man says, and helpfully provides him with a face full of sticky webfluid bukakke of proof. Johnny shrieks and jumps back, tugging at it and hoping it hasn't gone in his hair. It has. It really is Spider-Man, then, but he's gone insane. Dropping a building on someone couldn't do something this weird, could it?

"This stuff better dissolve," Johnny mutters, tugging at the sticky mess sadly, and, then, "Uh, are you groping me?"

"Hmm," Spider-Man says in a pleased sort of tone, one hand definitely wrapped lovingly around Johnny's left buttock, another hand reaching for its partner.

Johnny pushes Spider-Man away, crying internally, because while he's wanted this to happen  _ forever _ , he's not entirely positive Spider-Man's in his right mind. "No. Not like this, Spidey. You're going to be so embarrassed tomorrow."

"Not embarrassed," Spider-Man says, this time just wrapping his arms around Johnny like he's a limpet. Johnny tries to bat him back again, and resists the urge to flame on, because he likes Spider-Man, a lot, way too much really, he's always known so, and he doesn't want to burn him. Then again, it's looking like he might not have much choice, as Spider-Man nudges at Johnny until Johnny lifts his head up so Spider-Man can nuzzle into Johnny's neck. "I could never be embarrassed of you. You're too pretty for that."

"I am conventionally very attractive," Johnny admits, "but get  _ off. _ " He struggles. "I'll burn you if you don't."

"You already are burning me," Spider-Man purrs. Johnny yelps and puts all his strength into it and manages to wriggle just a bit. No, there's no hope for it, Spider-Man is crazy and super-strong and those two things never mix well. "Because you're so hot and all."

"Gah," Johnny says. "I'm really sorry, though, webhead. Guys gotta do what a guy's gotta do." The _ do _ ends up strangled, because Spider-Man moves his arm to grope at the  _ other _ side of Johnny's pants and it's too much to bear. Johnny flames on, just for a moment, and a scorched Spider-Man lands in a disgruntled heap. "But I  _ love _ you," Spider-Man sulks loudly, and reaches out to grope Johnny again, latching onto his butt just in time for Sue, Reed and Ben to get there.

"Uh," Sue says, "do you need us to come back later?"

 

** 3\. amnesia **

"It's an unusual brain pattern," Reed admits once they've gotten Spider-Man back to the lab, folding his arms and pursing his mouth at the screen. "Unfortunately I don't have any readings to compare it to, so I can't tell if they're unusual for him or not."

"When you found me he was trying to dry hump me," Johnny mutters. Ben makes a choking sound in the background and excuses himself when Sue glares at him. "I think we've verified he's not exactly acting in a  _ usual _ manner."

"Does he remember who he is?" Sue asks, checking over the figures and glancing down at the now-bound-tightly Spider-Man. "And does he need to be bound so tightly?"

"I asked him who he thought he was when Johnny summoned me," Reed says. Johnny shifts, feeling a weird combination of guilt and relief -- if Spider-Man had told them his secret identity when he was in this mental state, it would have been as bad as Johnny sinking into Spider-Man's insistent groping. Ugh.  _ Morals _ . "He knows he's Spider-Man."

"Also when we let him go he did  _ this, _ " Johnny says, and gestures at his torn pants. They're made of unstable molecules. Spider-Man shouldn't have been  _ able _ to tear them. The fact that he did is so hot that it's blowing Johnny's  _ mind _ .

Spider-Man turns his mask in the direction of Johnny's exposed thigh and makes a cooing noise through the gag. It's so unfair. Johnny's spent so long wishing he could hear Spider-Man making those noises in his direction. It really is a case of learning to be careful of what he wished for. New wish time: he needs Spider-Man to make those noises and  _ mean _ them. He needs Spider-Man to  _ want _ to want Johnny, not be  _ forced _ into it by a crazy supervillain. Mysterio is the  _ worst _ .

"Do you even remember  _ why _ you shouldn't be doing this to me?" Johnny asks. Spider-Man shakes his head rapidly and mutters something through the gag that sounds like  _ you really should be doing me _ . Oh my god. Johnny is an actual saint for resisting.

"If it's one of Mysterio's devices, it should wear off soon," Reed promises. "He's never managed to whammy anyone for longer than a day before."

** 4\. bets / wagers **

"Three hours," Sue says.

"No, I give it two, Suzy-Q, definitely two," Ben says. "Or less."

"He held out for thirty minutes before we got there," Sue says. 

"I already said back in the lab that it would probably be a minimum of twenty-four hours until I could find an antidote," Reed says. "Which is unlikely, given that we have no way yet of ascertaining what delivery device Mysterio has used for this particular strain of mischief -- let alone figured out--"

"We're not betting on how long it will take for the whammy to wear off," Ben explains. "We're wagering on how long Johnny will be able to hold out until he gives up and lets Spider-Man kiss him."

Reed's eyebrows knot comically, his face stretching to oblige and make the facial expression pronouncedly bizarre. "Why would he do that?"

Sue and Ben exchange a fond glance. 

"It's so cute that he still thinks he's got a grasp on social cues," Sue says fondly.

** 5\. bodyswap **

Reed thinks he's found a solution. He fires the ray at Spider-Man and-- it bounces off him. And hits Johnny.

Johnny passes out. Well, he faints, but if anyone asks later, he doesn't faint, he only passes out. Fainting isn't something a manly guy like Johnny would do, okay?

When he wakes up, he startles, because the world is-- weird-looking. It takes him a moment to realize why. Because he's staring out through some sort of lens to a very confused looking  _himself_?

"Reed!" Johnny yelps. "What did you do?"

"On the plus side," Spider-Man says from Johnny's body, "at least the urge to grope Johnny is thankfully gone."

"Thankfully?" Johnny squeals, and it's lower than his normal squeal, because-- Oh, yeah. Right now he's kind of Spider-Man. A thought crosses his (Spider-Man's?) mind and he reaches up for the mask triumphantly, only to fail at peeling it away.

"It's nice to know how much you want to protect my identity," Spider-Man says, frowning Johnny's face.

"Don't frown in my body, you'll make frown lines," Johnny says. "And you can't blame me for trying." He pulls a face as Spider-Man. "What the heck is this mask stuck  _ on _ with, anyway?"

Spider-Man chuckles. "I don't think you want to know."

** 6\. celebratory kiss **

"Yeah!" Spider-Man yells, as Reed's newest beam fades away. "I'm me again."

Johnny feels so good, he turns to Spider-Man and grins. "Aw, yeah," he says, fist-pumping the air before pulling Spider-Man in and kissing him soundly where he thinks Spider-Man's mouth is.

"What was  _ that _ for?" Spider-Man asks, sounding winded.

"And more importantly," Reed says, "couldn't you have waited until I was out of the room for it?"

** 7\. character in distress **

It's been a week since Johnny last saw Spider-Man, and something in his chest feels hot and heavy when he sees the familiar red and blue suit, but instead of being posed ready for action, Spider-Man is hunched over himself, shoulders bunched and head lowered.

Johnny flames over and sits next to him. "Wanna talk about it?"

"To  _ you _ ?" Spider-Man says.

"Hey," Johnny says, stung. "You've talked to me before."

"Yeah. That's true. I'm sorry. I'm not thinking straight."

"I rarely do," Johnny quips. "Come on, tell Uncle Johnny about it."

Spider-Man sighs. "It's my-- my relative," he says.

Johnny just nods, trying to resist the urge to push more -- he wants to know Spider-Man's identity, but he kind of wants to  _ earn _ it. "Yeah?"

"She's going out of town for a while," Spider-Man says, "and I'm happy for her, of course I am, it's just--I don't exactly have a lot of family. I dunno. I guess I'm not handling it as well as I wanted to. It's easier to remember why I keep going when she's around."

** 8\. chosen family **

Johnny knows how he feels, really. Sue is definitely who keeps him going on the tougher days. Johnny puts his hand on Spider-Man's shoulder. "Okay, so you're running low on blood relatives in the area," he says, "but you've got us. Me. Sue. Reed. Ben."

"Yeah," Spider-Man says. "Mind if I borrow them for a while?"

"A while?" Johnny laughs. "Spidey, you're kinda stuck with us all permanently. Chosen family's better, anyway. You have more of a get-out clause if you accidentally forget someone's birthday."

** 9\. coming out (of the closet) **

"One more thing," Spider-Man says. "When you said you rarely think  _ straight _ , were you--?"

"It means whatever you want it to mean," Johnny says.

 

** 10\. crossover **

"Where's your relative going, then?" Johnny asks. "Or is that super top secret confidential?"

"I'm not sure, but she said something about a new police initiative in Hawaii that was formed by the son of a man my Uncle served with," Spider-Man says, shrugging. "And-- hey, what's that over there?"

"I see you trying to change the subject," Johnny says, "and-- I thought we took Mysterio down, what the hell?"

"You thought you could keep me down, but you can't," Mysterio yells, hurtling towards them in a wash of blue light that stretches outwards, outwards, enveloping Johnny and Spider-Man in a bright light that Johnny has to close his eyes for--

** 11\. curtainfic **

Johnny's head is pounding. At least his bed is soft. He stretches slowly, aching all over, and glances to the side and smiles fondly at the sleep-mussed figure next to him, a tousled mess of brown hair sticking out from under the duvet-covered heap of his sleeping companion.

He slips out from under the covers and pads quietly to the kitchen, turning the coffee maker on, and rummaging in the fridge for some eggs and bacon. His lover deserves a great breakfast. Johnny hums under his breath as he lights a burner and slides a frying pan onto it, sloshing a spoon of oil onto it and waiting for it to heat up.

For a moment, Johnny looks up and fancies that there's a weird blue light shining through the window, but he blinks, and the usual New York cityscape stretches out, the sky gray and moody. Johnny cooks the bacon and eggs quickly, tipping them onto a plate and grabbing two forks before filling up a couple of mugs and hurrying back to the bedroom.

"Hey, babe," Johnny says, and reaches to shake his lover awake. They make a muffled sound, and turn, and--

There's no face, just an expanse of skin.

Johnny drops the plate and mugs and the hot coffee doesn't even burn his skin. What the hell is going on? Johnny stares, the edges of his vision turning blue, and then he remembers, sharply:  _ Mysterio _ . And the light.

"Mysterio!" Johnny yells. "Come out here and face me like a man!"

"You weren't supposed to figure it out so quickly," a voice hisses, and everything flashes dark.

****

** 12\. deathfic **

When the light comes back, and Johnny can see, the bedroom is gone, and the only thing he can see is an expanse of white, stretching right to the horizon, and a curled-up figure on the ground in front of him. 

It's Spider-Man, and he's not moving.

"No," Johnny breathes, because the domestic bed scene had been a dream, but this might be a nightmare, and he drops into a crouch and feels for a pulse and Spider-Man's hand lies limply under his fingers. " _ No _ ."

" _ Yes, _ " Mysterio's voice whispers.

Johnny shakes Spider-Man. "Dammit, no, this is another dream. I know it is."

" _ You'll never know for sure, never again, _ " Mysterio says, right in Johnny's ear. " _ Isn't that just beautiful _ ?"

** 13\. epistolary **

"Hey Johnny, it's your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man," Peter writes. "I haven't seen you around since that weird Mysterio thing. I hope you're okay. I miss you."

He rips the paper above  _ I miss you _ and sends it to the Baxter building.

** 14\. extortion and blackmail **

"I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, SPIDER-MAN," the note tacked to the phone box reads.

Peter forgets it for a while. It's obviously just bluster, and he's got other things on his mind, and not just the hallucinations Mysterio gave him - of Johnny in his bed, warm and smiling, and Johnny at his feet, bleeding and cold. He can't imagine what Johnny saw, only that it must have been bad, because Johnny's been avoiding him for ages.

"PAY ME $20,000 OR I'LL TELL THE WORLD," the next note reads. 

Peter sighs. He doesn't have the money. But then, he's mostly sure that if the person really had proof of Spider-Man's real identity, the ransom notes would be posted to his crummy apartment and not on random phone boxes around the city.

(He sends a message to Aunt May's hotel anyway and advises her to consider extending her vacation.)

** 15\. fake relationship **

"Hey," Johnny says, awkwardly. 

"Haven't seen you around," Spider-Man says, sounding concerned.

Johnny feels wretched. "Yeah. I've been, y'know. Dating someone. He's great."

The weird part is that Spider-Man ducks his head at that, like he's disappointed. Spider-Man makes his excuses and swings away soon afterwards, anyway.

Johnny watches him go, his stomach hurting. It's better this way.

" _ This might be a dream, anyway, _ " Mysterio's voice says, and Johnny flinches.

** 16\. first time / last time **

It's the first time Johnny's ever lied to Spider-Man.

He hopes it will be the last time, too, but he's not extraordinarily hopeful about that.

** 17\. forbidden fruit **

Reed's lab is full of forbidden fruit. Don't touch this, don't touch that. Johnny eyeballs the alternate reality bridge, and considers opening a portal to anywhere, and just falling through. Nothing's real, so he might as well go somewhere else, right?

(Alas, Reed's forbidden fruit comes with touch sensors, and Reed shows up and forcibly shoves him out of his lab.)

** 18\. food and cooking **

Peter's got some Italian blood in him somewhere, or it's rubbed off on him from spending too much time with Tony Stark, because when he's down, he cooks and he cooks and he cooks. His tiny freezer is filled to bursting with bolognaise sauce, and his counters are full of really awful cookies because he didn't inherit his Aunt's skills.

Johnny's avoiding him, that's for sure, and there's no boyfriend - Peter stalks him for weeks, just to be sure.

Something's going on with Johnny, and Peter's going to find out what it is.

** 19\. fork in the road **

Johnny sneaks back into Reed's lab and deactivates the sensors before activating the bridge, and he peers through eagerly as parallel reality after parallel reality scrolls in front of him.

He finds a reality where Spider-Man's a black kid called Miles, and a reality where Tony Stark is a woman, and one where there are animals in mecha suits defending the planet and yelling about ecology and conservation. He finds a reality where  _ Peter Parker _ is Spider-Man, and Johnny laughs until his voice runs out.

He finds a reality where he never went to space with Sue, and he's just an ordinary guy, in an ordinary apartment, all alone, forever alone. There but for the grace of God go I, Johnny thinks, but it doesn't even make him sad, because none of it's real.

" _ That's right, _ " Mysterio croons.

** 20\. futurefic **

One of the parallel realities that Johnny glimpses is like  _ this _ reality, but a few years on.

Johnny and Spider-Man are fighting together. Johnny's chest tightens. That feels like an impossible future.

** 21\. genderswap **

In the last parallel reality that Johnny glimpses, before Reed comes back and throws him out of the lab again, Spider-Man is Spider- _ Woman, _ and not Jessica Drew, but actually a friendly neighborhood Spider-Woman, and she has her arms around the Johnny Storm of her universe. 

That Johnny looks happy.

** 22\. handcuffed / bound together **

"Okay," Peter says, "I realize that this is a little unconventional--"

"You  _ tied us together with one of Reed's doohickeys, _ " Johnny hisses. "After I've spent so long avoiding you for a  _ reason _ ."

Johnny looks furious. Peter's heart hurts. " _ What _ reason?" he asks.

Johnny looks away. After a long pause, he mutters, "Doesn't matter. None of it's real anyway."

Peter squints, even though Johnny won't be able to see it through his mask. "Huh?"

Johnny turns back to look at Peter, his face weirdly blank. "Nothing's been real for  _ weeks _ ."

** 23\. huddle for warmth **

"Don't even pull that  _ I've been expecting you _ shtick," Peter warns. He's still cuffed to Johnny, but Dr. Strange smirks, waves a hand, and the cuffs detach.

Johnny stares at his empty wrist. He looks cold. New York's unkindly freezing, and Strange's mansion, on the inside, is somehow even colder. Peter offers Johnny an arm and Johnny actually snuggles in.

"I don't need to say something to think it," Strange says. "Come to my chamber."

"I think he's been mind-whammied by Mysterio," Peter says.

"And you're willing to pay the price to fix him?" Strange asks, peering intently at Peter.

"I'm pretty broke most of the time," Peter says, slowly.

Strange smiles, wide, predatory. "I don't barter in mortal currency, Spider-Man."

** 24\. May December Romance **

Strange says it will wear off. It's a small price to pay, really.

Peter peels his gloves off and stares at his wrinkled hands and grimaces. He's not going to be able to patrol until his youth comes back. Strange has borrowed it for a disguise, or something.

At least Johnny is cured.

Peter rolls his mask up, just a little, just to check in one of Strange's ornately framed mirrors, and, yup, his cheeks are totally wrinkled. He's about to roll it back down when he sees Johnny moving in, looking relieved and thankful. Only Johnny doesn't stop moving when Peter thinks he will; he leans in and presses a kiss into Peter's wrinkled cheek. The warmth shoots through Peter's body.

"You already said thank you," Peter says, rolling the mask back down and resisting the urge to pull his gloves off and touch the place Johnny kissed him.

Johnny looks at Peter in the reflection of the mirror, a smile twitching at the side of his lips. "Who said that was a thank you?"

** 25\. immortality / reincarnation **

As they leave Strange's mansion, Spider-Man moves without his usual grace. Johnny's heart pangs. Hopefully Strange's "price" will wear off soon.

Now Mysterio's mind-whammy has been lifted, Johnny's thinking clearly, more clearly than he has in months, really. It really stunk being driven insane by a villain, but he's glad - without it he never would have looked through Reed's portal into all of the alternate universes.

Johnny wonders what Reed feels when he looks through all the literal what-ifs, the what-might-have-beens made flesh, each reality a reincarnation of themselves after someone went left when in this reality they turned right.

Johnny takes Spider-Man's arm. In this reality, Johnny must have done something right. 

** 26\. in vino veritas / drunkfic **

Strange's whammy wears off Spider-Man relatively quickly; to celebrate, Johnny comes up with a bottle of something and they pass it back and forth on a random New York rooftop.

Johnny stares at Spider-Man as he rolls up his mask partway and swigs, pulling a face and spluttering. "What the hell is this stuff?" Spider-Man asks, coughing but going back in for another swig.

Johnny shrugs, takes the bottle back and drinks some himself.  _ Indirect kiss _ , he thinks, and shivers. "I dunno. Reed makes it in his lab."

Spider-Man's mouth presses into a line. "Does he know you have it?"

"Relax, this is the one thing in his lab that doesn't have the  _ JOHNNY DON'T TOUCH THIS _ note," Johnny says. "It has a  _ JOHNNY TAKE ONE BOTTLE IF YOU MUST _ note." He points out the sticker, where he pulled off the part where he'll be cleaning out beakers for Reed for a month in payment; Spider-Man's good at feeling guilty, and Johnny doesn't want him feeling bad at drinking something that's landed Johnny with a chore he hates. Spider-Man's totally worth it.

"Your family is weird," Spider-Man says.

"Hey, I told you. We're yours too," Johnny says.

"Yeah," Spider-Man says, his cheeks pink. "Our family is  _ weird _ ."

Strange's "price" might have been physically reverted, but it must have wiped Spider-Man out, or he really doesn't take alcohol well, because Spider-Man's head lolls against the wall they're both sitting against. Johnny shakes his head in amazement. Spider-Man's actually fallen asleep?

It's a sign of trust, really, and it's almost overwhelming. Johnny shuffles over, letting Spider-Man lean against him. Johnny's never been so close to Spider-Man before, not in any situation where Spider-Man still has his mask semi-rolled up. Spider-Man's face is so  _ young _ . Johnny's heart thumps hard in his chest. He can't see all of Spider-Man's face, and he  _ won't _ roll the mask the rest of the way, but the skin he can see is clear, fresh. Spider-Man can't be any older than his early twenties, really, like Johnny, but that thought is overwhelming.

Because Spider-Man's been around almost as long as Johnny. And sure, Johnny's had his powers since he was fifteen, but he had his family around him, three other people struggling to learn how to use their own powers. Johnny wasn't alone. Was Spider-Man? Johnny can't picture it - fifteen, with powers, and  _ alone _ \- and deciding to use his powers for good anyway? Spider-Man really is the definition of  _ hero. _

Johnny's never this direct with his emotions, but his head is buzzing, and he's had his brain scrambled by a supervillain for the last few days, he's allowed."I want to protect you forever," Johnny whispers. "I wish you would let me."

Spider-Man makes a soft noise in his sleep, but just nestles deeper into Johnny's shoulder. Johnny reaches out, rolls Spider-Man's mask down, and lets Spider-Man sleep. He can at least protect Spider-Man tonight.

** 27\. in Another Man's Shoes  **

Another day, another supervillain, another crazy incident in Johnny Storm's life:

"I can't remove your powers," Psycho-Man booms, using his growth powers to tower up in the distance, "but I can mess with them. Can you defeat me without them, little matchstick boy?"

Johnny resists the urge that last time it took the Four, T'Challa and, oh yeah, the whole freaking Inhuman royal family to stop him, so no, as one handsome albeit occasionally-in-Psycho-Man's-presence powerless human being, he's not really feeling confident about his odds, even with some of the Avengers turning up to join in the fight.

Of course, Johnny misinterprets what Psycho-Man means by  _ messing _ with his powers. Psycho-Man's new device doesn't act like Johnny's expecting at all. It's not his flames that stop working -- it's the unstable molecules in his uniform that stop working.

Johnny yelps, because there are enough superheroes on scene now for him to flee, along with his rapidly-progressing public nudity as his powers eat up his clothing. He spies an open window and burns through it, dousing out his flames and landing in a big naked heap on the floor.

Crouching and protecting little Johnny ( _ BIG JOHNNY _ , obviously), Johnny looks around. He's in some sort of crummy apartment that looks like one good sneeze might make it fall down. Well, at least he's not naked in the big wide open? Johnny gets to his feet, and snatches a copy of the building's fire plans (which seem to be, TL:DR; "if the building catches on fire, stay and burn to death) and uses it to cover himself up. (It's not so much modesty as not needing another indecency incident on his record.) He shuffles down the hallway, wondering where to go next, when one of the apartment doors opens -- and both Johnny and the apartment owner stare at each other, frozen in an awkward tableau.

It's Peter Parker. Of course it is. Johnny's the most vulnerable he's been for a long time, of  _ course _ the one person in New York who constantly snipes at him on the rare occasions they meet is the person who finds him now.

Parker's eyes are wide behind his glasses for a moment, but then he shakes his head. "Get in here," he says. "Before the neighbors see you and start screaming."

"I'm used to women screaming over me," Johnny says, but feeling pathetically grateful, he follows Parker into his crummy little apartment. Johnny peers around the small three-room apartment while Parker disappears into his small bedroom at the back. The whole place is brown and  _ crumbling _ . There are holes in the wall with exposed wires. "You  _ live _ here?" Johnny calls through, after spotting Parker's camera sitting on a pile of biochemistry textbooks with ESU stickers on the spines.

"Only when I can't help it," Parker calls through, his voice muffled. He re-appears carrying a bundle of clothes and a pair of ratty sneakers. "I want these back when you're done. I can't afford to replace them."

Trying to hold the fire plan folder in front of his junk, Johnny shuffles and awkwardly takes the clothes. His mouth falls. "Is this all synthetic?"

Peter sighs. "It's that or I give you a garbage sack to wear.

"That might have less holes in," Johnny says, staring mutely at the wrecked sweatpants and threadbare t-shirt in his hand. Still, he gestures for Parker to turn around, and he slips into the clothes. He realizes Parker's stuffed a pair of clean socks into the sneakers. It's a nice thought. The pants and shirt are a little tight, but Johnny doesn't mind that, it's a nice view for people in his opinion. After a moment of uncertainty, the shoes do fit, although, to Johnny's dismay, they're a little bigger.

"You can hide out as long as you need to," Parker says, "but I've got to get to work. Just make sure you knock the latch when you leave so the door locks."

Johnny nods dumbly. Parker's trusting him to be in his apartment alone? Well, it's not like Parker has anything worth stealing, he supposes. Parker nods at him tersely, and then leaves out the front door. Johnny stares at the door for a moment, and then shakes himself. Any New York citizen would probably be as nice to a naked supervillain shivering on their doorstep, right

Pursing his lips, Johnny looks again around the small apartment. There's no food in Parker's fridge, which is not surprising, considering the whole  _ broke chic _ atmosphere Parker constantly broadcasts, and his cupboards are relatively bare too - Johnny realizes how little Parker lives on, and feels suddenly too guilty to even raid a handful of Parker's knock-off brand version of Lucky Charms. 

He needs to see how the battle is going. Johnny pushes into Parker's small bedroom. It's as bland and broken as the rest of the apartment, and the only things inside it are a chest of drawers with a photo of Parker's lovely Aunt May on top, a ruffled double bed, and a bedside cabinet holding-- a police radio?

Johnny remembers that Parker works for the Bugle. Maybe it's a journalist-photographer thing? Johnny shrugs and looks out Parker's grubby window. Psycho-Man's towering above the skyscrapers now, and Johnny smiles when he sees a familiar red-and-blue figure swinging into the fray. Spider-Man's there. Everything's going to be fine now. Of course, all the X-Men and most of the active Avengers are also there. His family too. Psycho-Man's using his device, but can't hit all of them at once. They don't need Johnny, so he can take his time to get home. He'll probably wait for the cover of dark, so nobody gets a photograph of him in this ensemble.

He heads out into the main part of Parker's awful apartment, and crashes onto a surprisingly comfortable couch, if you missed the spring sticking out of the middle, and leans his head back. He's a little bored, and Parker doesn't have a TV. He looks around to see if Parker has any reading material with pictures in it, and his gaze lands again on the stack of textbooks, and Parker's camera balanced on top.

Johnny pauses, confused. Parker said he was going to work. Parker is Spider-Man's photographer. So why did Parker leave  _ without _ his camera? 

** 28\. kidfic **

Johnny's a superhero, dammit, an actual saving-the-day heroic  _ superhero _ .

Not a live-in  _ babysitter _ .

Franklin and Valeria were quiet, well-behaved children usually.

Some time in-between Sue and Reed going out to a fancy, science-fans-only dinner and leaving Johnny in charge of the kids, Franklin and Valeria had been replaced by wild animals.

They won't even stop screaming.

Johnny panics and pulls out his phone, but when he's discarded most of the girls (and a few of the guys) there aren't too many numbers left.

"No," Jen says, immediately hanging up. She hadn't even let Johnny ask the question.

There was only one thing for it.

"Hello?"

"Parker," Johnny says. "Great. I need you."

"Uh, who is this?" 

"Johnny?" Johnny rolls his eyes. For a genius, Peter Parker was sometimes so slow. "Johnny Storm?"

"What do you want?" Peter asks, sounding deeply suspicious.

"A favor. You owe me one, right?"

"Uh," Peter says, "I think you've misunderstood the concept of favors. You owe me one for letting you borrow - and stretch out - my clothes the other week? And since when did I even give you my number?"

"I took it, that's besides the point," Johnny waves his hand. "Can't I owe you  _ two _ favors?" There's a long pause, but Peter doesn't hang up. It's encouraging. "There's pizza in it too for you."

Peter sighs. "Fine. Whatever it is, I'll have to leave at ten. What is it?"

Johnny tells him.

Peter exhales. "So, looking after three kids," Peter summarises.

"Two," Johnny says, starting to wonder if he's made a mistake.

"Uh," Peter says, "let's run through them- Franklin, one. Valeria, two. You, three. Ergo,  _ three _ ."

"Just get over here," Johnny says. "Wait, one more thing."

"What?"

"Can you bring the pizza?" Johnny asks.

There's a distinctive slamming noise. Ah, there's the hanging up that Johnny expected.

** 29\. language and translation **

Despite the abrupt ending to the phone call, Peter does come around, with a pizza in tow.

"What's this?" Johnny asks, opening the door to Peter and liberating the pizza.

"Seventeen dollars out of your pocket or you don't even get one slice," Peter says.

Johnny sighs, but does throw Peter a twenty from the emergency cash dish. "Seriously, is this cheese even organic?"

Peter stares. "It's  _ pizza _ . Shut up and eat it, or don't, I don't care." He tilts his head. "Where are the kids?"

Johnny gestures at the sitting area, where Valeria and Franklin are screaming and running in circles.

Peter squints. "They're over hungry," he decides. "Hey, genius kids, get over here and help me and your Uncle Johnny eat this pizza."

The screaming stops and the two kids run in, panting and beaming at Peter. They still remember him from Peter's brief intern stint with Reed, so no boring introductions necessary.

"Wait, you understood all that screaming?" Johnny squints.

"Well, it's all the time I've known you," Peter says, darkly. "I'm used to trying to understand someone at their emotional intelligence level."

" _ Hey, _ " Johnny sulks, but doesn't protest too much, because-- yeah, there's some truth in there. A little bit. Maybe.

"So... pizza?" Valeria says, hopefully.

"It's non-organic pizza," Johnny says, pointing at it.

"I love you so much right now," Valeria breathes.

** 30\. locked in **

"Uh, Johnny," Peter says. "It's ten o'clock."

"Yeah?" Johnny says. "Oh, yeah, you said you could only do until ten."

Peter nods, impatiently. "I need to go."

"So-- go?" Johnny shrugs. The pizza's been eaten. The kids are washed and asleep. Peter had even helped Johnny wash the dinner dishes, by hand. 

"Uh, the door's stuck?" Peter says, gesturing at it.

Johnny swears under his breath. "Shoot, Reed's lock-in protocols. Yeah, unless you can like, fly out of the window, you're stuck until Reed gets home."

Peter turns to Johnny, eyes narrowed. "What? But--?"

"You can't tell me whatever it is you have scheduled can't be moved," Johnny says. "I don't believe you have, like, a hot date or anything."

** 31\. loss of innocence **

Peter glares. "Screw you, what I need to do, it's important."

"Not so loud," Johnny hisses. "The  _ kids _ ."

"A, they're asleep. B, you made a joke about dutch ovens and then  _ explained it. _ Their innocence is gone forever. I can't make it worse."

** 32\. marriage **

Johnny's often wondered why couples got married, if they bickered so much.

But bickering with Peter Parker, well...

His stomach feels funny. Floaty. 

It's  _ fun _ .

Yeah. Yeah, he can see why people might marry despite the bickering.

He's also starting to see that maybe some people might marry  _ because _ of the bickering.

** 33\. matchmaker **

Peter finally realizes he's not getting out, so he bullies Johnny into letting him choose the movie, without realizing that Johnny would have done that anyway.

Mainly because he's sort of planning to seduce him.

Why not? Johnny likes the bickering. Sure, Peter's not impressed with him at the moment, but that's because Johnny's not in his natural environment. The next time Johnny engineers a situation where he's with Peter and alone, it'll be somewhere better - like Johnny saving him from a supervillain, or Johnny leaning over an engine all greased up, or anywhere in New York that Johnny could conceivably go shirtless.

Yeah, Johnny wouldn't mind seeing Peter get a little flustered around him.

** 34\. meet the parents / family **

"Pete," a voice says, soft in his ear.

Peter tries to respond, but he's much too comfortable. He's never felt so warm or comfortable before, never so  _ safe _ . "Just a minute," he mumbles. Whatever he's lying on is  _ incredible _ . Peter doesn't sleep well at the best of times. Somehow he's just had the best nap ever and he wants to cling onto the feeling.

"Pete, wake up," Johnny hisses, and Peter startles upright. Or tries to, Johnny still has an arm around him.

Because they're cuddling, on the couch. In the small hours of the morning. On Reed Richards' couch, to be precise.

Peter stares in horror at Reed and Sue as they look down at him, shaking their heads indulgently.

"Welcome back," Johnny says, cheerfully.

** 35\. metafiction **

"Backspace, backspace, backspace," Peter mutters.

"What are you saying backspace for?" Johnny says.

"I'm embarrassed at what just happened," Peter says, "and I'm trying to tell the author to delete it all for the sake of my anxiety."

** 36\. mind control **

"I'm forming a club," Johnny tells Spider-Man, the next time they meet.

"And then you're going to let me hit you with it?" Spider-Man asks.

"Yeah," Johnny deadpans. Then, "No, you doofus. A club of superheroes who've experienced a mind-whammy of some sort."

"There already is one," Spider-Man says, grimly.

"Yeah?" Johnny perks up. If there already is one, that's so much less work.

"It's called  _ all of us, _ " Spider-Man says.

** 37\. mind games **

Spider-Man's right about the number of superheroes with PTSD from mind control. It's depressing. Johnny remembers Mysterio's mind games, remembers how lost he felt, how nothing felt real. 

He never wants to feel that way again.

** 38\. poor communication skills **

Some things are starting to add up for Johnny. It's taken him a while, but the clues are coming together.

One, Peter Parker is a photographer who left for work - photographing Spider-Man - but left his camera behind.

Two, Peter Parker mentioned knowing Johnny for a long time, but really, the babysitting was maybe the third time they'd ever met in a social setting. Before that, everything was short moments of antagonism and jealousy. 

Three, well, Johnny didn't have a three. But he did have a giddy explanation as to Peter's weird behavior.

Stalking's a crime, but, Johnny's willing to forgive Peter for stalking him. If Peter will go on a date with him. He dials Peter's number and grins, even while he gets Peter's answering machine message.

"Hey, Parker," Johnny says. "Meet me at my place.  _ I know everything. _ "

** 39\. power dynamics **

There was definitely something thrilling about knowing something someone else didn't, especially something which would help Johnny persuade Peter into doing what he wanted. It's a kind of power, and it's wrong to abuse it, but Johnny's going to use it anyway. Maybe it's not the best decision in the world to want to date your stalker, but, hey, Johnny can turn into fire - a little crime pointed his way incorrectly isn't going to end badly for him, really.

When Peter comes into the room, shoulders hunched, looking haunted, Johnny almost wants to chicken out of confronting him, but he wants something else more.

"How did you know?" Peter asks, sounding miserable.

"You didn't take your camera when you left to photograph Spider-Man," Johnny says, "and the other day you said you knew me for a long time, and literally, the only way I could figure that out to be true was if--"

"--if I  _ was _ Spider-Man, yeah," Peter finishes, his mouth downturned.

Johnny swallows back,  _ if you spent all your time stalking me _ , and he struggles to function for a moment. Peter looks sad, nervous, like he's expecting Johnny to hate him, and shit, how is that even possible? He's  _ Spider-Man _ ? He's Johnny's favorite person in the universe that can't bake (maybe Peter can bake?) that he's not related to?

"You can't tell anyone," Peter says, fiercely, clenching his fists, and  _ oh, _ there's Spider-Man. Not the mask, not the ability, but the passion. The fury. 

"I would  _ never _ ," Johnny promises, and means it.

** 40\. presumed dead **

In the shock of it all, Johnny forgets he'd wanted to tell Peter he intended to date him.

And then as the weeks go on, it's more difficult to bring up the subject, because their friendship goes from nice to something else. Irreplaceable, Johnny thinks, that's the word he's looking for.

Peter Parker might have been date-worthy material, but Peter Parker  _ Spider-Man _ is... Well, Johnny kind of wants to play for keeps, now he knows. He's never shared his toys well. He wants Peter and he wants Spider-Man, and he knows he's going to have to be his best for that to have the slightest chance of ever happening.

And then he gets stuck in the Negative Zone, and is gutted from sternum to bowels, and he wakes up in horror as alien creatures knit him back together, stronger, better,  _ faster _ .

And all he can think is,  _ they all think I'm dead. _

** 41\. rivals to lovers   **

Thinking of Peter is sometimes the only thing that keeps Johnny going. He keeps being sent into the arena, he fights, he blazes, he loses, he's eviscerated.

The creatures put him back together, stronger, better,  _ faster _ .

He's never strong enough, better enough, fast enough to stop the cycle.

Depression tries to grab at him, but Johnny thinks of Peter. How they used to do nothing but bicker. How Peter looks at him sometimes, heavy with promise, conspiratorial with their shared secret. They're not quite lovers yet, but with time... Yeah, with time they'll get there.

Johnny just has to stay alive long enough for that to happen.

** 42\. reunion **

The gate opens.

Peter's standing there.

Johnny puts his arms around him and screams his freedom, loud and long.

** 43\. rites of passage / coming of age **

"I wanna do all the things I missed," Johnny says.

"Yeah?" Peter idly puts his hand around one of Lady Liberty's spikes. "What did you miss?"

_ You, _ Johnny thinks, but no, although it's been years for him, it's been days for Peter, and he wants to woo Peter  _ correctly. _ The Negative Zone just gave him more time to realize how serious he was. He can't think about anyone else. His head is _ Peter, Peter, Peter _ .

"A decent cheeseburger, movies, bubble baths, and not getting eviscerated daily," Johnny says. 

Peter winces.

"And I wanna do all the things I missed doing just because I was too busy saving the world," Johnny says. "Dr. Doom trashed my 21st birthday, did you know that?"

"No, I didn't. I can't even remember what villain ruined my 21st."

"We should go out drinking to remedy that," Johnny decides. "Do your abilities let you get drunk?"

Peter shrugs, swinging his legs. "So-so. Haven't really tested it out too much." He wrinkles his mouth. "There's quite a lot of things I missed out on too, thanks to this superhero lark."

"Such as?"

** 44\. road trip **

"I have three more cars we should do this with," Johnny yells as he thunders them down the highway, far too fast. 

** 45\. role reversal **

"Faster," Peter says. "We should go faster."

Johnny side-eyes him. "Aren't I supposed to be the rebellious one?"

** 46\. secret twin/doppelgänger **

Johnny's going insane again. They should never have come home from the road trip. He wants to check the room for possible traces of Mysterio.

"Why are there two of you?" Johnny asks, looking between the two Peters.

Then a third one comes in - and this one's definitely Peter. At least, Johnny thinks it's Peter.

"Don't freak out," Peter says, "but this is Kaine, and this is Ben, and-- this sort of thing happens to me  _ way _ too much."

Johnny stares, transfixed.

 

** 47.  rare pair **

(Johnny dreams about it. Johnny, Peter, and the two fake  _ almost  _ Peters. On him, in him, using him.

He wakes up hard and panting. 

One Peter Parker was probably more than enough for him; three would be way too much to handle.)

** 48\. crossdressing & costumes **

"Okay, so I get that you said this clone thing happens to you a lot," Johnny says, "but you've got a crossdressing version of you too?"

The crossdressing Spider-Man in question rears back and slaps him. "I'm a girl, you freak," she hisses.

"That's Jess," Peter says, tiredly. "She's me from a parallel universe."

Johnny opens his mouth and then closes it.

"It's best if you don't think about it too much," Peter advises.

** 49\. sharing a bed **

Apparently the clone thing is temporary, but until temporary decides to live up to its nature, Peter's apartment is filled with Spider-people of different sorts, most of them with Peter's face. When Johnny offers Peter space to sleep at his place, Peter nearly cries in relief.

"Oh, thank goodness," Peter says, giving the keys to what he says is the most reliable clone, but Johnny thinks is possibly a walking and talking pig? Peter's life is so  _ weird _ .

When they get to the Baxter building, Johnny casually intimates that his bed is big enough to share. Peter's cheeks go pink, but he doesn't start protesting that the couch is okay, so Johnny excuses himself to go to the bathroom and he fist-pumps the air excitedly.

** 50\. slavefic **

Johnny cooks him dinner too, which is apparently what finally clues Peter in to the fact he's being seduced, and that Johnny's been doing it for a long time.

"Oh my god," Peter says, his fork clattering to his plate. "All this time?"

"Yeah," Johnny admits, his cheeks heating. It's not very suave, but he had lowered the lights and lit candles with a jazzy few finger snaps, so at least Peter can't see his blush. "I like you. I thought you might have caught a clue about that by now."

"I--" Peter says, and falls silent, stunned. He stares at Johnny, wide-eyed, no decipherable emotion coming through his shock.

"I don't know if I'm what you want," Johnny says, and it's like a dam has burst, because now it's out there, he can't stop talking. "All I know is I spent two years in the N-zone thinking about you and wanting to be with you, however you wanted me. I was captured and held prisoner for two years, but for you, I'd be your slave if it meant being with you. You have to know how much power you have over me, Peter."

"I didn't," Peter says. "I do now," he adds, and he reaches a tentative hand over the table to cup Johnny's cheeks. Johnny leans into the touch, and then pushes into it, lost. Peter leans over the table and kisses him, warm, like a promise. "You don't know how much power you have over me, either, do you?"

** 51\. soul bonding / soulmates **

"Soulmates is a shitty concept," Peter says, "but when you died-- when we thought you were dead -- it hurt so much, I wondered if that was what had happened. That after all this time, the other half of my body was  _ you, _ and you'd gotten yourself ripped apart, and--"

Johnny holds him closer and shushes him. "I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere." He pauses. "And it really is a shitty concept, can you imagine someone with four legs?"

"I dunno," Peter says. "There's some pretty fucked up mutants going around. And Tony said something about Loki's kid being a horse with eight legs. We can't say we live the kind of life where a four-legged human is implausible."

** 52\. telepathy / mindmeld **

"Mm, I know this is sudden, and all that, but-- I feel like I've spent forever waiting for you," Peter says, "so can we skip past the dates and go straight to dessert?" Peter looks across at Johnny's bed, which is _ definitely _ big enough to share.

Johnny beams. "It's like you read my  _ mind _ ."

** 53\. time travel **

Peter Porker calls him in the small hours of the morning. Peter Parker groans, thanks him, and rolls over. He shoves at Johnny's shoulder.  
"Get up," Peter says.

"Don't wanna," Johnny says. "I'm snuggling post-coitally with my bae, it's very important." He makes a noise and opens one eye to glare at Peter. "Where's the fire and who started it because it wasn't me, I have a very hot alibi." He smacks Peter's bare ass and leers at him.

"There's another Spider-person," Peter sighs. "He says he's from the year 2099?"

** 54\. transformations **

When Peter gets rid of all the Spider-people (like, really, what is Peter Parker's life), Johnny's sort of amazed by the transformation Peter's apartment has undergone.

Before, it was a shining shithole of a crummy apartment.

Now...

"How did they even do this so quickly?" Peter whimpers. "I'm never getting my deposit back.  _ Ever _ ." He squints. "Is that a pocket tear to Hel's realm? In the  _ microwave _ ?"

Johnny shrugs. "Wanna move in with me?"

"I'd rather have been able to say yes in a less desperate scenario, but let's roll with the fact I would have and get me out of here," Peter says, fervently.

** 55\. trapped in a dream **

Occasionally, just occasionally, Johnny has a moment where he'll wonder whether he did escape Mysterio's mind-whammy, and maybe he's still trapped in some sort of a dream. In the N-zone, he'd considered  _ caught in a nightmare _ as the alternative, but out here, with Peter...

If he is trapped in a dream? Johnny doesn't want to ever leave it. 

** 56\. trust and vows **

But even the best dreams sometimes turned sour. Johnny presses up against the glass to where Aunt May lies, ashen, barely breathing. Strange stands over his, arms outstretched, and when he comes out of her room, he looks at Peter and Peter just sags. Johnny moves in and holds him upright, even though he hates seeing him sad, and thrills that Peter trusts Johnny to hold him upright when he can't manage it himself. He'll do anything to keep Peter safe.

** 57\. twenty-four hours to live **

Without Strange, Aunt May would only have twenty-four hours to live. When he says that, Peter's legs buckle even further.

There's an option, Strange says. But there's a chance-- there's a chance Peter won't make it. 

** 58\. unexpected friendship **

Of course Peter says  _ yes _ , because that's the kind of person he is. Johnny instantly barters to swap, but Strange won't let him. Peter lies down next to his aunt, Strange does the ritual, and then--

Nothing.

"We have to wait," Strange says. "Twenty four hours."

Johnny thinks it's torture. Strange helps him pass the time by teaching him how to play battleships using pencil and paper. It's so surreal, but then, hey, he's said it before: Peter's life is  _ weird _ . So of course Johnny's life is weird through association now.

He just wishes _ weird _ came with less life-threatening incidents. 

** 59\. unrequited love / pining **

He hasn't said  _ I love you _ to Peter yet.

It's stupid. It's so stupid.

Peter might be lost in his Aunt's head until they both die.

Johnny hasn't said it yet because he's scared.

Maybe Peter doesn't love him?

Maybe Peter will die, and all of Johnny's love will spill out lost into the universe, unrequited, useless.

** 60\. wingfic **

Strange's price structure is always so freaking  _ weird _ , Johnny thinks.

"I've just got to look after them until the original owner can take them back," Peter says. "So be careful with them  _ oh my god. _ "

"Uh, did you just make your orgasm noise? Just because I touched one feather?" Johnny says, eyebrows raised as Peter shook his large white wings and flushed bright red.

"Uh, would you boys mind leaving my room before I hear anything else that might give me another heart attack?" Aunt May asks, looking pallid.

** 61\. Deal with the Devil **

Peter's okay, but Johnny thinks:

_If I'd lost you, I'd do anything. Anything._ _They say the demon Mephisto will rewrite the whole world for a price._

_ I think whatever he'd ask for, it would be too much. Yet I'd probably still pay it. _

** 62\. Hurt /comfort **

It's several days later and the reality of how close Peter came to losing his Aunt May, and himself. He still won't talk about what he went through to save her. One day he will. But for now, Johnny holds him while he cries.

"You didn't lose her," Johnny says. "And you have me. I'm not going anywhere."

Peter nods, curling up into Johnny, letting him hold him. Spider-Man vulnerable in his arms, in a way no one else has ever seen him.

"Come on, we need something to cheer you up," Johnny says. "Hey, didn't MJ say she was throwing a party tonight to celebrate  _ Supernatural _ not being cancelled again? We should go. Life's gonna continue being an uninterrupted parade of supervillains and weird Spidey-clones otherwise."

** 63\. Truth or Dare **

It's nice being at a regular party, not one filled with superheroes using their powers and showing off all over the place, right until Peter realizes that they're going to have to play regular party games.

MJ looks at him expectantly.

"Truth?" Peter says.

"Tell me your secret," MJ says. "I know you have one that explains why you're always disappearing."

"Dare," Peter says.

"I dare you to tell me."

Peter swallows. He's nervous. Johnny leans over and squeezes his hand. "Later," Peter promises her.

** 64\. Love Triangle **

MJ's quiet for a long time.

"Well," she says, finally, "that's better than what I thought."

"What did you think?"

"Well, that you and Spider-Man were boning," MJ says. "He always let you take really good photos, and I knew you couldn't be paying him with  _ cash _ ."

"So you thought I was paying him with my ass?" Peter asks, eyes wide.

"It is a very nice ass," Johnny agrees.

** 65\. Tall Tale **

"If that's what you thought, you'd have lost your mind a couple of months ago," Johnny says. "His apartment was full of clones of himself."

"Clones?" MJ says.

Johnny nods, and pulls out his phone, showing MJ a screen full of the Spider-Man clones.

MJ blinks. "Peter, your life is weird."  


"That's why it's hard to tell people the truth," Peter sighs. "The truth is so unbelieveable."

"That one's a pig," Johnny says, pointing at Spider-Ham.

MJ squints at Johnny, not the picture. "Okay, I already believe Peter's life is weird, but don't lie to me - I need to know what to believe."

"Sadly," Peter sighs, "it's not a tall tale. That's Peter Porker, your friendly neighborhood Spider-Ham."

****

** 66\. Accidental Hero **

MJ kind of faints. It's understandable. But she falls on Johnny, so at least she has a soft landing. Johnny wonders whether he can take credit for accidentally happening to stop her fall. Probably not.

** 67\. Haunted house **

"Ghosts don't exist," Peter says, squinting through his mask down the long driveway to the gothic mansion cresting a slight hill. 

"But you said this house was haunted," Johnny whines. "I was looking forward to a bit of ghostbusting."

" _ Deadpool _ said this house was haunted," Peter corrects. "Didn't you listen to the briefing?"

"I was too busy looking at your ass," Johnny sighs.

Peter thinks about it, and shrugs. 

** 68\. Art initiates life **

The house isn't exactly  _ haunted _ as it is possessed by a possibly-vampire quasi-solid creature  _ thing _ (yeah, Johnny's still not fully listening to Peter, whoops) that can crawl in and out of portrait frames. Thankfully (apparently there was something to be thankful for when they were running for their lives through a creepy-ass mansion) the creature thing seems to need to solidify in the painting for a few moments before it can disappear and climb back into the house from another frame.

"We need to lure it back into one of its own paintings," Peter says. "And then burn it."

"Did you think to bring any matches?" Johnny yells.

"Sometimes my boyfriend is not exactly the smartest crayon in the box," Peter sighs, and he points at Johnny until he gets it.

** 69\. Breaking the fourth wall **

There were too many portraits in the end, covering three of the walls. Johnny tried to flame up, but there was something in there that stopped him - so much for Peter "my boyfriend is my fire source" Parker's plan.

Johnny ends up helping Peter push a grand piano at the far portrait-free fourth wall. The piano smashes through the cracked bricks, creating a massive hole that Peter uses to grab Johnny and swing them out of there.

** 70\. Cannon fodder **

"I'm just going to let SHIELD deal with it, they can throw a hundred agents at the problem," Peter says, flapping his hand weakly at the mansion. "Any complaints?"

"Nope, solid plan, totally agree," Johnny says, nodding. "Let's also never do any mission where Deadpool is part of the information-finding squad."

** 71\. Perspective flip **

Johnny lies in bed, watching Peter sleep. He strokes the stray hairs away from Peter's forehead, and says the things he can't make himself say in the daylight.  _ Never leave me. I need you. _

Peter lies in bed, pretending to sleep. He likes to hear the things Johnny never says to him when he's awake. He can also hear what Johnny doesn't say.  _ I love you _ .

** 72\. darkfic **

Doom drags Johnny away through the rift. The rift shuts behind them and Peter screams and screams. Sue holds him back, sobbing.

If Doom doesn't bring him back, Peter will raze everything Doom loves to the  _ ground _ . His country, his palace, the people who adore him.

Peter will rip each and every single one of them apart, slowly, painfully, so Doom knows who is doing it and  _ why. _

** 73\. Unhappy ending **

The rift opens, a painful three hours later, and only Doom steps out.

** 74\. Happy ending **

And then another one forms, and Johnny comes through, the item Doom wanted grasped in both hands. He flames up when Doom tries to reach for it.

"You want this," Johnny hisses, "then you're going to play by  _ our _ rules in the future. No just stealing one of us when you want our help. On our terms or not at all."

Peter waits until Reed, Ben and Sue start to frogmarch Doom away to organize those rules before throwing himself at Johnny.

"Never do that to me again," Peter breathes. " _ Never. _ "

**** 75\. fluff  
  
"Of course not," Johnny says, and he brings Peter's face up to his and kisses him, once, twice. "I love you. I'm sorry I didn't say it before."

"I love you too," Peter says, his eyes stinging. "And you kind of already did, by your actions."

Johnny looks confused.

"You  _ came home _ ," Peter says, and kisses him again. 

"I'll always come home to you," Johnny says. 

"You  _ are _ my home," Peter says.

"Seriously, why do they never wait for us to leave before the groping starts," Reed sighs.


End file.
